EMO
by Herbal-Soda-Pop
Summary: Dursleys are nice, Harry's an emo,Ron a pot dealer, Hermione is a gay rights activist and well thats it im writing this for myslef until i find someone who actually likes it
1. Chapter 1

This is basically my first story kind of

Disclaimer: well you all know the drill I tell u I don't own Harry Potter then im supposed to make some kind of funny and cute(but really only to the author) comment about what I do own or what id trade for the ownership of Harry Potter or how much I wish I owned Harry Potter and then maybe tell you what Id do to butcher the story if I _did _own Harry potter well i own nothing I'm homeless and I'm typing this at the library the clothes I'm wearing are borrowed and I need to go return them bye.

Chapter 1

Vernon Dursley had tried to be normal a for a while he tried to be normal when he played with toy trucks and action figures , he had tried to be normal when he played football outside the elementary with all of the other boys at recess instead practising his art like he wanted( his father thought you couldn't make a living off art well ha he'd shown him), he tried to e normal when he got laid for the first time at a party by his girlfriend, he'd tried to be normal found himself a "respectable' like his father wanted, he'd tried to be normal up until he was 22 when he met Peter insert last name. he saw how pitiful he was and decided that he would fix him. Peter was self hating vile disgusting loathsome the kind of person that would kill a puppy if it bit him, Vernon showed him a world(a less vile world) even he himself didn't know existed and in that he became himself who he had always been . And so he stated a life with him, quit his job became an artist and made a satanic sacrifice of there neighbour's cat to so they could impregnate Peter with a son. They had a perfect life until one day…

One day

Strange events had been happening all over the town and Vernon wondered as he got into his car to go sell some self portraits to some homeless folks foundation since he believed for some reason that a picture of his obese self would make the homeless be glad that they didn't have food on the plate(this was actually quite effective and due to his portraits self esteem in hobos had been on the rise. Really there's charts!) if it had anything to do with the magical folk who peter's homophobic sister lily had anything to do with this, He had never met the woman himself on a countof the phobia but he'd fucked her husband once (Shh don't tell Peter ) so he had seen magic for himself firsthand. He shook his head forgot about it and drove off. As he left a cat followed him with its eyes as they narrowed.

That Night

Oooh ya right there right there Arthur fuck me! FUCK ME HARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill ran away from the door traumatized by what he'd heard not realizing that his sister had just been conceived

That Night _At the Dursley's street!_

A tall stringy man dressed in what would be considered ridiculous in the muggle as well as wizarding world appeared quit suddenly around the corner and the cat jumped at his startled at being caught in the act and quickly turned away from the fogged up windows which she had been watched and pretended to be doing nothing perverse at all. The man who's name was Dumbledore walked slowly towards the cat named McGonagall as she transformed into her human form shaking his head sighing.

"I had thought you had grown out of the habit of watching muggle men having sex its _rude" _he lectured her while waving his finger "

b-b-b-but" she stuttered .

``And at this time especially haven't you heard the news of the potters!" he continued.

"So what" she replied "I mean I never liked them anyways lily was a homophobe(she gave Dumbledore a hard look and he blushed though you couldn't tell in the dark) and James was bisexual".

Dumbledore looked up startled " I didn't know you had anything against bisexuals!" . `

`They cant make up there damn minds!`` she yelled back at him.

`` Want a sherbet lemon `he asked all of a sudden as if he had just remembered something

"What?" She asked looking quit confuzzled. " What the hell are you talking about is that code for pot because I really don't think this is the time to be getting high!"

"No simply muggle sweet" he answered quickly "I only just remembered that I have to ask you if you want one it happens in _every _Harry Potter parody ive ever read and I will not allow us to be different! I WILL NOT.

McGonagall who was used to Dumbledore's eccentric nature simply changed the subject by asking "Well what's to happen to the boy sins of thy father and all that I wouldn't condemn a baby'

Dumbledore looking amused Chuckled and said " I didn't think we believed in sin McGonagall we are witches after all". "Actually now that I think about it why don't we as wizarding society have any religion I mean we have _waaay_ more unexplained shit to think about than the muggles so in turn most of us shouldn't be able to leave our houses without praying for a couple hours let alone go around go around without any religious belief system at all!

" Don't change the subject to theology what's to happen to the boy!" She repeated "wheres he going to live Hagrids a drunk he certainly cant live with him!"

"Hes going to live there" Dumbledore muttered almost incoherently and pointed towards the house which McGonagall had been peering into up until a little while ago

Why the fuck would he live there! She said severely " they sacrificed my cousin Joey so they could have a son!"

"If that was you cousin why do you spy on them having sex!" Dumbledore asked confused 'shouldn't the sight of them make you angry?"

'Cousin Joey was an Asshole" She replied calmly " the reason he became and animagus was so he could have sex with dead kittens more effectively"

After vomiting at the mental image Dumbledore replied " There the only family that Harry has even though he hasn't met them on account of lily's homophobia oh and im sure and James having sex with the fat one didn't help either. He'll be a very happy child here…..

Ok im bored so im going to add the rest of this chapter l8ter and for now il just tell you that hagrid arrives Harrys scars is on his wrist and the Dursleys find him on there doorstep


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Harry awoke to the sound of his uncles highly effeminate voice shrieking at him to quote " get the fuck out of bed or else we will feed you to that cat that keeps peeping at me and your uncle having hot ummm hot coffee yes hot coffee. GET YOU ASS DOWN HERE NOWWW!" unquote.

Harry who was feeling depressed about his parents in addition to having the after-effects a bad acid trip responded by calling child services reporting being abused and went back to sleep.

It had been ten long years since Harry's parents had died and he had been brought to live with the Dursleys. The First few years of Harry's childhood with them had been fine and good until Harry made 2 shocking the discoveries which changed his life forever. He discovered first that Dudley was a the spawn of satan literally I mean really what do you expect when you birth a child using satanic rituals and the second was that the Dursley were unusually kind people. Quickly after the second discovery was made Harry was subject to a violent blow to the head via Dudley with a baseball bat(who as a demon child was not kind like his parents) causing Harry to forever be caught in a negative of his thought so no matter what the Dursleys did they would always be cruel child abusers. A kind hand on the shoulder was a beating, kind words were degrading insults(btw what peter was telling him before was in his head he was real yelling him to please come down for a delicious and healthy breakfast which would keep him going through the day.) and Delicious food was garbage he was forced to consume. The Dursleys who were in permanent denial about Harry's condition continued to treat Harry with total kindness causing him even more distress leading him to become a cutter adding more scars upon the one that already adorned his wrist in the form of a lightning bolt and to substance abuse thus the acid trip.

After the cops left making sure that Harry was in fact not abused( no matter how hard he believed it).Vernon informed that today they would go to zoo for Dudley Satanic Conception anniversary(they had given Dudley a choice over whether they would celebrate the anniversary of his birth or the anniversary of Joey's the kitten rapists demise Dudley chose the more morbid option)

Harry answer to this was to break down crying and screaming "I WONT GIVE MY VIRGINITY TO DUDLEY AS A PRESENT U CANT MAKE ME!" He then proceeded to run away form home.

An hour later he returns

"Harry where did you go?" Vernon asked "and why is my wallet substantially lighter?"

"I gave my virginity to a hooker named Nymphadora Tonks so Dudley couldn't have it" Harry answered " And then I invested in real estate"

Vernon looked and gasped "but we are in a recession no one wants to buy a home!" An then he added "wait how much was this hooker were they an good cause ive been needing to relax…."

" hold up don't you like men?"

"Isn't Nymphadora a man" Vernon asked "whatever im just glad your safe'

"I'm NEVER SAFE WITH YOU" Harry screamed as he ran outside to smoke a joint ……….


	3. British Mob

Chapter 3

After Harry had gotten high of cheap weed he had stolen form Dudley's Bedroom underneath the mattress

He calmed down substantially and was able to go down to breakfast where he ate a healthy nutritious meal of bacon eggs and toast which was to him of course poison since it came from the Dursleys. They then proceeded to go over the plans for the days activities in more detail.

Vernon began informing everyone that Dudley would be able to bring along his one friend named Piers who was although not birthed using devil worship was quite a cruel and a terrible child as well as Harry's drug dealer so when found out he'd be coming Harry cheered up considerably since he was running low. They would be going to the zoo in the afternoon so they decided open presents before got there to avoid any theft.

" So where's my present Harry?' Dudley asked after he had received his parents gifts. " Gave it to a hooker" Harry responded casually " but I did get you this cat" and he held out McGonagall who proceeded to ask for Vernon and Peter's autographs. When they questioned the reason for this the cat said she had never met a porn star in person she then clamped a paw to her mouth, blushed (can cats blush?), clawed Dudley fiercely in the neck, had a cup of coffee, stole a family portrait, scanned it uploaded it onto her Facebook page with the caption Hahaha bitches I was IN THERE HOUSE AND U WERENT, played space invaders extreme on her DS and finnnally RAAANNNN into…… the kitchen to make some eggs. After all this she calmly walked out of the house towards her private chopper and flew off contently.

Harry followed after the helicopter screaming take me with you while Dudley slowly died of blood loss on the floor. Harry's of course took this opportunity to steal Dudley's blood by holding a bucket under his wound after he had recovered form the sadness of the cat abandoning him. He hid it a cabinet and waited for his opportunity too go sell it to a blood bank for the British Mob whose motto was we are NOT PANSIES! After making this comment they would usually go on to shoot a random passer by in the foot to prove the previous comment.

Everyone would be all shocked and impressed the first time they witnessed this but by the time _tea time came around well they were just back to being pansies in everyone's head. Unfortunately some of Harry's glee from making a quick buck had leaked out of his hand and into Dudley's neck. The Dursleys slightly insane from there years with Harry in the life wrote off al of this as normal and went to call Peirs so they could tell him to come over now. Harry screamed at this comment "IM NOT DECENT" ,punched the walls, Slapped Peter in the face and ran off. _


End file.
